- At a team meeting in the cafeteria, he discusses about how you have the rest of your life to drink but only the next couple years to play football....."stay away from the little brown bottle"
- "Not now but now"
- "And if your parents dont like it they can call me. Actually I want them to. I get off on parent confrontations"
- How hard is my grandfather? (ice skating)
- As a wee lad, he was cruising in his fathers sheriff's car when a call about a fatal car accident came in. Upon arriving at the scene, they see a decapitated man's body. In a stern and ice-cold voice, his father implores, "Son, find the head." He goes off to the side of the road with the other police officers and they look for the head. Then Jackson discovers a mass upon the ground and reaches down. Picking the head up by the hair he proclaims, "Here's the head"
- 300 Chinamen killed by father, carried 2 men on his back 20 miles not knowing if they were dead or alive
- "I'll trade you in for a dog and shoot the dog!!"
- "One year at North, our soccer team was one win away from the state championship so school was let out early. We let the players go to the game to support their school, and 4 or 5 of them decided to booze it up at the game and show up to practice drunk. One of them was our starting middle linebacker and a captain. During practice I kind of notice that he is not performing as usual, so I go over to talk to him and I smell alochol on his breath. Then I go over to coach McKeon and I say 'Hey Lar, I think that Stevie is drunk.' And he says, 'Really, cause our running back kind smells like that too.' So we had to suspend him for the next game during the playoffs! But we still WON THE GAME!"
- "Well my freshman year at Illinois College, I was a starting D-end, and I was at this party with all the seniors. I wasn't old enough to drink and all of the other players were trying to pressure me into drinking. Then one of the other D-linemen, he was my friend, came over to me and was like 'Here, I stole this for you.' And he hands me a 6-pack.....of Pepsi. Now that is a true friend."
- Inspirational story before Wheaton-Warrenville South "This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day." After the game, he comes in the locker room and says "HA HA HA, Saint Crispin's day isn't until tomorrow."
- "Commies wear red!" (Morris Game)
- Heard numerous times, "It's not the biggest weightroom, but it's the best weightroom ever because
it's the only one you have!"
- "I'm not as stupid as Matus"
- "Sherman's grandmother doesn't have 9 birthdays"
- Thinks Sherman's little sister looks good
- Marble Table (Father and Father-in-Law)
- Whistle Choaker
- Uncle John, bake an egg!! (the funniest thing he's ever heard)
- Father O'Malley
- Bit a chunk of leg threw thigh boards and spat it in his face
- "When you win a state ring......"
- Comes out of coach's room bearass naked with little dingy fully exposed
- Rhoder: "Genital Warts"
- Food Fight 2001: Hit in the face with taco salad
- "the hottest women I have ever seen" (high school chick at Naperville North
weightroom)
- "When we run out of toilet paper in Jacksonville, we move to the
newspaper!"
- "Bob Sakamoto doesn't know whos in my backfield"
- Speedos-10 laps everyday-"I hope you had fun at the Plainfield Pool
yesterday!" + veins
- First man in locker room, sit in jock strap with black guy
- Son gets cut on arm-"It's cool!"
- Storm rumbles, looks up and says, "Yeah, you know who I'm talking about"
- Chokes Jamo
- Chokes Waldron
- Straddles Kuna, "Oh Baby"
- Kuester, Ball shot
- "But did they ask you......well the certainly didn't ask me!"
- Builds up inside you and you just have to let it out
- "I would give my left nut for just one more day of practice"
- "Mother fuck Sockamoto, I should beat his fucking ass!" (fingerfucking forehead)
- "Son you're not a pussy, grab your water jug and go to practice"
- Son would rather play tennis than football
- Rhoder: Pulls out of geometry and threatens his life....."you fuck up and I'll take your life"
- JOHN JACKSON (Bill Brasky style)
- "I'll take 4 bullets but I'll still take them down" (Columbine situation)
- Kid nobody breaks school records
- Magic Stick
- "I say we nuke 'em all until they glow, and shoot them in the dark!"
- What do you call a screwdriver...."My Dick!"
- First time he ever used a tool...axe climbing a tree in boy scouts because
his one arm was longer than the other one
- Faggot roomates sucking eachother off
- "It's blacker than the Hobbes of Hell out there!" - an apparent grandfather quote
- "Real Blonde" gymnast sticks vagina in face while benching
- Stanford linebacker that made a hit list
- Learned sign language while living at a deaf school
- Tennis player girlfriend that always had hard nipples
- "If you guys don't start working harder, on the first day of practice I'm going to put a sign up on the goal posts that says 'WELCOME TO HELL!'"
- Egan pats him on shoulder....."If you ever do that again Andy, I'll break all of your fingers"
- One time he was out doing something to the field in a tractor and then he saw a tornado coming so he got out and grabbed on to a tree and watched the tornado blow over him
- When he was a young boy he was using some machine and he got his sleeve stuck in it and it started to pull his arm into the machine and because he was stronger than the average boy he just pulled his sleeve right off of his shirt and saved his arm
- It says "Quitter" because "Fucking Quitter" is too long
- Hey watch what you say there "white boy" I'm 50% Croatian
- At his own block party....while in dunk tank an 8 year old dunks him and he takes the ball and jumps up over the fence and whips the ball at him and says,"PHIL! I WILL HURT YOU!"
- At camp he was yelling at a freshman for running to the wrong hole and being too high and says "If i was a d-line man i would get a hard on if i saw that!"
- "I could have went to a big college and sat on the bench but i chose to go to a small college and i played every down for 4 years and i wouldnt give it up for the world!"
- At little kids camp some lady was yelling for her son "JD! JD!" and he walks up to her and say what and she says "I wasnt talking to you i was calling my son"
- Also at his block party......He tried to convince his own football players that he played threw 4 years of college football with a torn meniscus
- "Welcome to Jacksonville, ladies, let me be your guide."
- Back in the day, before walkers grove subdivision was built......he told his father that he and himself should purchase the land that the neighborhood was built on.....his dad told him not to do it so he didn't.....then 10 years later he buys a house in that very place and calculates that he would have been a multi-millionaire if he had purchased it earlier.
- Jackson...the wrestling god...he cut weight so that he could wrestle some kid from providence from 185 to 165 so fast that his bones became weak and he had his victory once he stepped on the scale, knowing he could beat the kids ass he had to wrestle
- "you guys dont do the front headlock right?......ill have to come and roll around with you guys and show you how to do it....that is if my back holds out on me"
- "WE'RE GOING DIGITAL!"......thats where the colleges are all going towards anyways, that way i don't have to sit at home in my den screwing about with 20 BLOODY vcr's
- The secret to the greatest college basketball ever ,John Wooden's, success.........proper sock management
- "I don't like losing......when people wanted to know if i watched any of the playoff games after we lost to wheaton north, i told them, 'I WAS TOO BUSY KILLING ANIMALS ON MY DAD'S FARM!'"
- "I took a piss this morning when I walked in it was 2:02 when I walked out it was 2:10, kind of like the guy from Austin Powers! Needless to say, I'll never have to worry about my prostate because it's as big as a fire hose."
- "Back in high school our running back wouldn't follow up the seam....he was too wide.....so i grabbed him by the face mask and shoved it by my ass and said 'follow this ass!' .......the next play we got 47 yards"
- "Shlem? Shlum? Whoa, guys, I just had a flash back to '86 or '87 when I had a 5'8" 305 pound tackle"
- High school teammate wore underwear and a mask made out of tape and would jump in front of girls yelling, "I'm the naked avenger!" (continues to laugh while no one responds)
- During Fenton game...Waldron asks if he can play running back..."No........but I'll tell you what you could do. My daughter thinks that no one likes her on the team. I know you're a popular guy and everything, so if you could just go over there and ask her how shes doing."
- "Yep if I wouldn't have gotten scalded as a child when me and my dad were workin, I wouldn't have a mark on my body, but now I have two different colored nipples!"
- "Mexicans don't get concussions...filipinos, like Dominic, get them all the time...White people get them every now and then...and if you're Croatian like me you get them all the time but just don't know it"...... P.S. Dominic is half black half mexican.
- "Welcome back to hell boys. I don't worship the devil. The devil worships me this week!"
- "There are a billion people in Asia who don't care who won this game"
- "You know what boys.....don't miss practice ever.....I would miss my own mother's funeral just to come to practice"
- "Everyone gets ready for the game differently, some like it silent and some like to make noise.....there was this guy named Willard and he would hum the Notre Dame fight song and he would start out soft and quiet and eventually he would start yelling it. Then i would yell, 'Willard! Willard! WILLARD! Shut the hell up!' and then he would finally snap out of it.....thats how much in the zone he was."
- Cowgill was standing on the sidelines during practice one day when we were doing special teams. Jackson came up to him showing off his new, padded, white gloves. He hits cowgill (who has his helmet on) right in the face mask as hard as he can and says. "You know why that didn't hurt Jimmy?" Cowgill responds, "Why?" Jackson returns with, "because I pretended like it didn't hurt." then he walks away.
- He notices Phil Castro walking down the hall way with a limp...."What the hell happened to your right leg?" Phil responds, "I was beaten by an armed police officer because I was laughing at him." ....Jackson's response, "Son....you will never, EVER, be as tough as me! You aren't half the man that I am! Now get the hell out of my face!"
- "the best kind of cologne to get smells like this" and then smacks him in the face with the money and says "girls can smell this a mile away...and if you ever want a girlfriend get a porsche, once you do that you'll have to beat them off with a stick"
- Jackson gets prank called by someone, 2 weeks later...."And you tell Matus i know its him thats been prank calling me! heh, yeah i know he'd mess up sooner or later, and BAM! I got him! And if i find out that Bart Coley kids involved in this, well, lets just say he'll be drunk at Capers in 5 years, yeah, he'll wake up a BLOODY MESS!"
- Katie Knapczyk: At awards night I wore a skirt and a shirt...I see Mr. Jackson in the weight room a couple days later "you know, if I were your father I would have never let you out of the house like that on awards night..." (I give a queer smile) "..but from a guys perspective...heh..two thumbs up baby". Later on he proceeds to tell me that anytime I needed a ride to CMU just call him up and he'll be glad to take me because he knows this amazing hunting place right by Mt. Pleasant.
- "Hey Robb, How ya doin' son?"-Jackson
"Good...and your self?"-Robb Harling
"Great....well i would be..."-Jackson
"whats wrong?"-Robb
"Why don't you come to me for permission to ask out my daughter first...do you not like and respect me?...is it my breath? i mean c'mon wat the hell is it son?"-Jackson
"huh...um...coach...i'm not going out with your daughter...and i probably won't...ok?"-Robb
"...oh...ok...then i'll...um...see ya at practice..."-Jackson
- At the Bollingbrook passing league..."Back in '88 I had a 230 pound linebacker...and he was a hitting machine...and i used to call him the 'African American Assasin'........*long pause*....i'm gonna have to give him a call tonight...if i had a phone right now i'd call him..."
Moments later at the Bollingbrook passing league...D'Arcy gets dared to call Maxwell the 'African American Assasin'..."Hey James! You're the 'African American Assasin'!"....Jackson over hears..."HEY!!! NO ONE USES THAT NAME BUT ME!!! AND ONLY ONE MAN IS THE 'AFRICAN AMERICAN ASSASIN'!!!"
- Jackson's turquoise pickup truck was "mysteriously", yet severely, smeared with vaseline. The windshield, side windows, back window, side mirrors, and grills of the hood and front end were savagely caked with the nearly impossible to remove petroleum jelly. suspect - unknown. Upon finding the mess it was rumored Jackson could be heard from miles around when he yelled "WHOEVER DID THIS WILL DIE!!"
- Jackson walks across the street to Lawler's house...the follow conversation ensues;
Jackson: WAS BART COLEY AT YOUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT?
Lawler: uhh, yeah
Jackson: WAS HE YELLING "FAGGOT" AT MY HOUSE?
Lawler: uh, i dont think so
Jackson: DONT LIE I KNOW IT WAS HIM! well, you tell him that if he ever, EVER, sets foot on MY street again i WILL have him ARRESTED. and dont think that i dont know hes 18! he needs to have his ass kicked, well I'M GONNA BE THE ONE TO DO IT! what did i ever do to him??! i made him call me mr jackson instead of just jackson, or however he said it....better yet, dont even tell him any of this!
Lawler: okay, see ya
- Carriger: if you think the freshman is cute raise your hand (davis and nackovic raise hands)
Nackovic: Prater is my shower buddy
Jackson: if you three faggots say one more gay thing ill kick the shit out of all of yah
- "There are only 2 things i need to do: be a man, and die. I'm trying to hold off on the last one"
- Jackson was talking about how he blew one of the rods in his truck "...and I knew exactly what it was because I've done it before back in my hot rod, dukes of hazard days"
- "Cars, the bigger the better, but with guns, hell, all you need is just 1 little bullet to be a hunter, anything more than that is for sissies! Furthermore, i'm a REAL hunter, i can use the smallest gun to take em down! Well, the only reason i'd have a bigger gun, shotgun rather, like the browning 820 express! If someone broke in my house, all you'd need to hear is the *chcck-skht* sound of the pump action and send them running for the hills!!"
- While Perry (Just a stupid O Lineman) is lifting Coach Jackson comes up to
examine his squats. Perry proceeds to turn around and inform Coach Jackson
that he can't squat with his little Dutch Legs. "You're Dutch?" says Jackson.
"Lemme tell you something Perry, there;s only two types of people I hate in
this world, people who hate other peoples ethnicity's, and the Dutch."
- After viewing films for an upcoming Morris game, Coach Jackson explains why he hates Morris, "Guys I hate Morris, they're bad...they're like herpes...no, they're communists...no they're terrorists and communists...guys Morris are communist terrorists with herpes."
- "Arun, I'll give you 25 extra credit points if you kill yourself."
- During summer camp Jackson takes the freshman who wanted to play running back and was showing the base, double wing, formation and then some kid said, "Didn't we steal this offense from Joliet Catholic?" Response: "Steal it, I invented this offense at Naperville North!"
- "I'm tired of hearing about how you kids are sitting out in practice because of little bumps and bruises. Now your talking to a guy who played the last six games of his senior year in college with 3 cracked ribs, a separated shoulder, no 2 separated shoulders, a gash in my forearm and a hip pointer, and I was still the best player on the team!"
- Pregame of Neuqua 2000: "Do you guys hear that? Huh? Q do you hear that? Does anybody hear that? I hear it! They're laughing at us, can you hear them now!?"
- That's the problem with American society, no one wants to work on Mondays. This is why were losing the god damn war, CUZ NO ONE WANTS TO WORK ON FUCKING MONDAYS!!
- Home Depot is like Menards on steroids.
- Mario is my favorite janitor. He wakes up in the morning ready to smell Pinesol.
- If you guys don't want to listen to old shits like us then quit high school now and go run off and be president. OH WAIT you're probably smarter than the son of a bitch anyway.
- If someone had the balls to come up to me and tell me that their product was as good as a Sony, then I'd take his word and buy his product. But, if someone said that they were a competitor with Sony... I'd buy the fucking Sony!
- After a player told Jackson that he would be visiting a college he randomly says (about the recruiter) "Give me that son of a bitches number... I wanna talk to that cocksucker"
- After a good pass: "That pass just got me hard... all I can think about is tits."
- In practice Jackson decides to show off his skills. He goes out on route and the ball is thrown to him. He attempts to catch it by leaping into the air. Immediately after he goes down to the ground grabbing his hamstring. Then he screams and yelps in pain. He swears for a good 5 minutes while laying on the ground. "Mother fucker... My fucking calf!!!. God dammit, son of a bitch!!!!" 30 minutes after this he randomly grabs his calf in agony.
- Jackson bleeds out of his ear.
- "Damn it Grant, if you ever miss another tackle, I will cut your fucking head off!!!"
- During one of his famous Thursday speeches: "The magic is inside of you Tim Cassel. The magic is inside of you, Eric Hardman. The magic is inside of you DAVID!!!! (JACKSON)"
- "John has some weird object in the back pocket of his pants."
- "I'm the smartest mother fucker in this building!"
- During Oswego 2008 halftime, "50 men together can not lose" chant.
- Looked at Nick Curtin in class and says, "Dumbasses like you are the reason Dahmer started eating people"
- “Whoever takes their kid to Disney land is a damn homo”
- “My father was a cop, a politician, and a sheriff”
- “I’ve seen some attractive young ladies. And that’s definitely one of 'em (staring intently at his computer screen)... son of a bitch if I don’t find this file we’ll be here the whole damn day.”
- (After a hardy sip from his Lambeau Field coffee mug) “You know what, I could train each and every one of you guys in this room...into cold-blooded killers.”
- (In the middle of the weightroom) “You know what the difference is between me and all of you pussies? I'm not afraid to kill a man.”
- He thinks John Wayne movies are the greatest movies ever created.
- One time, during AP US History, Jackson was trying to be funny and started dancing. He subsequently tripped on the chair and fell to the ground. All the students were laughing, but Jackson was furious and threw the chair against the wall. Suddenly everyone became quiet except for John Sims. Jackson eventually came up to Sims and asked if he would want his legs tied and twirled around the handle of a pick axe. John said, "no," and Jackson said, "then shut up."
- (During senior breakfast day)
Kid: "Woo! We're out of here Jackson!"
Jackson: "It's Mr. Jackson to you."
Kid: "Not anymore."
Jackson: "Keep in mind son, you're not a student anymore. You are a civilian."
- "We teach religion in school, kids. It's called capitalism."
- A substitute called Jackson a liberal and wanted to debate him. Jackson wanted to fight him.
- Summer 7 on 7 at Bolingbrook: Bolingbrook coach John Ivlow yelled across the field at Jackson, "Hey John, I can see fear in your eyes!"
Jackson steps out of the huddle and replies, "I don't know the meaning of that word!!!"
- Jackson was running on the treadmill. He falls off the treadmill. A kid laughs uncontrollably. Jackson pushes kid into the water fountain.
- "You think you are a man becasue you can have children before you graduate?!?!"
- "Fight 'em until hell freezes over ... (long pause)... Then fight 'em on the ice!"
- An attractive woman walks past Jackson and he turns and says "You see her? I call her burlap because she would look good in anything, even burlap!"
- In the middle of class lecture: "I've done things with Crisco that you can't even imagine."
- Explaining formations to the quarterback:
Coach Imbordino: "Pistol you're close to center and shotgun you are back. Just think of it as pistols are short and shotguns are nice and long."
Jackson: (grunts) "Well I guess I got a shotgun then."
- "If I have to hear another thing about shit and dick, I'm going to kill you."
